New Year

I wasn’t looking forward to seeing the New Year in on my own. However much I told myself that it was just another evening and that there are lots of evenings when people kiss and hug each other and sing silly songs, I couldn’t help but feel I was going to miss out on something. So I decided that I had two choices….either go to bed early and miss the midnight hour completely, or do something constructive when Big Ben bonged.

I settled for option two.

I’d been given a tripod and a camera release button for Christmas and I thought it might be a nice idea to try and capture some New Year’s fireworks. As the day went on I actually got quite excited about the prospect and spent an hour or so researching various camera settings and set-ups. There seemed to be a lot of conflicting advice as to the best way to go about it, but I eventually chose a method which I thought would work.

At about 11.30pm I went to the kitchen, opened the back door, and erected my tripod in the doorway. I set up the camera with the correct aperture and shutter speed and focused on one (quite large) area of sky. The idea was to concentrate on just that area, wait for a little light trail going up in the sky, and then click the button just before it exploded. It made perfect sense to get two or three great shots rather than jump around like a lunatic trying to capture everything (but inevitably end up with nothing but blurred, mediocre pictures). Happy with the set up, I sat down with a bottle glass of wine and waited.

Standing back in the doorway with a few minutes to go, I double checked everything. Lens cap off? Check. Camera on? Check. View-finder covered? Check. Corrcet settings? Check. Camera release button in hand? Check.

The countdown began and I stood there staring at my empty rectangle of sky. I hardly even noticed the chorus of ‘Happy New Year’ which was ringing out around me. I didn’t give a thought to all the loved up couples who would be in each other’s arms. I completely ignored the fireworks going off in the distance - probably some community display – as I waited for the neighbour’s fireworks which we get in abundance each and every year. And I wasn’t disappointed. Before long the sky was alight…explosions of red and green and silver and blue going off around me.

It was amazing! Incredible!

I won’t bore you with them all, but this is my best one………
















Not ONE bloody firework went off in my rectangle. It was about three minutes past twelve when I realised I had to move the tripod, and that involved getting it through the door into the garden because I couldn’t get the correct angle from inside. But would it fit through the bloody door? Course it wouldn’t. Frantically, I tried to undo one of the legs but for some stupid reason I couldn’t remember which clasp would release it. Thrashing around like an idiot and flipping, twisting and turning every knob I could get my hands on, I finally figured it out and got the damn thing outside, where I encountered five bags of rubbish and a fridge.



WHOSE FUCKING STUPID IDEA WAS IT TO PUT A FRIDGE IN THE GARDEN?



Have you ever tried clambering over a fridge…in the dark…in your dressing gown…with a tripod…and a fucking broken foot…while trying to stop your tits flopping out because your perv of a next door neighbour is peering over the fence with a face which, quite honestly, would have been a picture?

Had I taken it.



“Are you ok Elaine?”

“Erm…yes! Fine! Just getting some…OW! Shit. Some firework pictures. Bollocks. Ummm…I think I’ll go in. It’s a bit cold out here and FUCK. My foot is...ummmm. Bugger! Is that my nipple? Oh dear. S’cuse me. Piss off Barney! Anyway. Yes. Happy New Year to you, too.”